Y’all.
Creating a screenplay is a time-intensive labor of love and requires real talent.
I’m amazed by how writers create fresh content for audiences and how they adapt books into scripts. How many wordsmiths have helped create film classics?
I don’t have that kind of ability.
For instance, my idea for the movie “The Exorcist” is not that Linda Blair is possessed by the devil but instead, possessed by a cat named Admiral Howdy.
A purranormal classic? Maybe. Maybe not.
The trouble begins when young Regan, played by Blair, starts acting odd — furiously destroying a toilet paper roll in the bathroom. It escalates when she charges down the stairs while her actress mother, Chris MacNeil, is throwing a party. Regan loudly gags up pea soup on the carpet before scurrying under the couch.
As the horrified guests look on, her mom tries to yank the child out from under the furniture but Regan bites her on the arm and makes a dash into the pantry, hissing and glaring at anyone who opens the door.
After knocking everything off the shelves, Regan exits the pantry at 2 a.m.
Her freaked-out mother seeks help from dozens of medical experts who can’t find anything wrong with Regan except that she bites nurses and climbs the curtains in the doctor’s waiting room.
Desperate, Chris finally seeks out the help of a priest. She leaves the house mid-day while Regan is hiding under the bed.
Chris proposes an exorcism for her daughter to Father Karras, a local priest. He’s startled by the request and quite reluctant.
Chris MacNeil: You show me Regan's double, same face, same voice, everything. And I'd know it wasn't Regan. And I'm telling you that 'thing' upstairs isn't my daughter. Now, I want you to tell me that you know for a fact that there's nothing wrong with my daughter, except in her mind. You tell me for a fact that an exorcism wouldn't do any good. You tell me that!
Father Karras: Have you tried a veterinarian?
Finally, Chris gets permission from the Catholic church to have the ages-old Rites of Exorcism performed on her 11-year-old daughter.
Father Karras introduces himself to the young girl who is now strapped to her bed to keep her from having the zoomies.
Father Karras: Hello Regan.
Cat: I’m not Regan
Father Karras: Well, then let’s introduce ourselves. I’m Damien Karras.
Cat: And I’m the devil. Now kindly undo these straps so I can bat them around the room.
Father Karras: If you’re the devil then why not make the straps disappear?
Cat: That’s much too vulgar a display of power. You don’t tell me what to do. You can’t even lick your own genitals. Slave.
Things don’t go well. Conflicts arise. The priest brings out a spray bottle and squirts Regan with holy water.
Cat: Your mother hacks hairballs in hell, Karras!
Finally, the girl starts yowling in what appears to be a foreign language, surely a sign that Regan is indeed possessed.
Father Karras: You speak Latin?
Cat: Purrrrhaps.
Father Karras: Quod nomen mihi est?
Cat: (ignores him)
Father Karras: Quod nomen mihi est?
Cat: Bon Jovi.
Events proceed in horrible fashion, with the cat killing the head priest conducting the ritual, furious that he called himself CATholic and served wine and wafers in church instead of chicken nuggies.
Finally, someone brings a dog into the room who chases the spirit of Admiral Howdy into Father Karras who jumps from the third-story window, lands on his feet, and prances down the road singing “Mr. Mistoffelees” from CATS.
Ladies and gentlemen
I give you the marvelous
Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
Oh! Well I never!
Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
(dance number in the streets)
Regan wakes up as herself again and doesn’t remember anything that happened. Later, as a teenager, she often sheds hair on furniture and people who hug her, setting up the sequel to The Exorcist called Exorcist II: The Hair-a-tic.
See? That’s why I’m not a screenwriter.
Re: “That’s why I’m not a screenwriter.”
No, you just proved that you have a wicked humor, and an imagination from some yet unnamed Brit-Rocker-Native dimension that hasn’t been milked to death. A little help with structure and the big themes, and you’re in show business. Whether it’s worth trading your soul is another question. We’re at the age where it’s a valiant struggle to not let our hearts get squished. Cheers.
This is exactly why you should indeed write a screenplay. But please add Sally Field as Regan's grandmother, who tries to cuddle Regan. It does not go well.