The Weird World of J.D. Vance

What do we know about the guy who wants to control the body of every female in America?

Howdy Horn Honkers.

It’s been a week.

Kamala Harris is out of the gate running like a champ.

The Olympics opening ceremonies illustrated how evangelical Americans are both embarrassingly uneducated and uncultured, as they proclaimed the festivities as “satanic.”

It wasn’t satanic, you fearful fools. It was simply très French. Please read a book.

And what of J.D. Vance (the D, I’ve decided, stands for “Deliverance,” as in the hit movie of the same name). The guy couldn’t catch a break last week. For very good reason.

Here’s a short list of some of what we know now about James ‘Deliverance’ Vance.

Cue the banjos.

J.D. Vance, the Republican VP candidate, pleasured himself with an inside-out rubber glove and a sofa.

It’s not true (as far as we know). There’s no such confession in “Hillbilly Elegy,” his bestselling memoir. But the “news” spread at warp speed because it was so easy to believe that this piggy-eyed weirdo (the same he-freak who wants to force women to breed) would have a sofa tryst in pure desperation, having already repelled every female within yodeling distance.

The internet had a field day with Vance’s supposed sofa sex.

One brilliant person’s post showed Vance staring longingly at leather couches while Barry White’s “Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up” played in the background.

The internet does shine at moments like these.

J.D. Vance was one of 28 members of Congress who opposed a new HIPAA rule that would limit law enforcement’s access to women’s medical records.

This is true. And why would law enforcement, of all people, want access to a woman’s medical records?

To find out if she’s pregnant, has been pregnant, or had an abortion.

Because once abortion is criminalized, women will become criminals, simply for making a decision J Deliverance doesn’t believe in.

After all, this was the guy who opposes legal exceptions for rape or incest, because, as he said, “two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Interestingly, that’s exactly what I think of Trump and Vance as a political team: Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Trump lost women by 15 points in 2020. How is he going to recover that ground with J.D. Vance as a running mate?

He’s not. Next question.

Did J.D. Vance actually tell a Trans friend “I Love You” and “I Hate Cops"?

Yep.

Sofia Nelson, a friend of the Vance family for 10 years (the friendship has since ended) has released some very interesting e-mails from, and info about, the VP hopeful, including that when they had top surgery for their transition, JD brought them home-baked treats.

And in one e-mail Vance expressed to his friend that Trump was “a morally reprehensible human being.”

Whaaaaat.

Where is that J.D. Vance?

How on earth did someone who started as a mostly rational conservative turn into a bigoted, racist, transphobic, women-hating, violence-accepting, accused couch humper?

Did the lack of love from the childless cat ladies push Vance over the edge of reason?

And will the most famous, most beloved, childless cat lady of this century send him back where he belongs?

Your move, Taylor Swift.

America needs you now more than ever.