The Republican National Convention Rests Its Case

The 3-day populist shindig came complete with ear bandages, domestic abusers, and Hulk Hogan.

Howdy Horn Honkers. Recently being stuck on the couch due to some health stuff allowed/forced me to watch most of the three nights of the Republican National Convention last week.

To be completely honest, it was the liveliest RNC I've seen in my life.

Usually the GOP puts on a party that's as exciting as an escaped napkin, but this year was different. These folks were having a great time. The palpable joy and relief amongst the faithful that Dear Leader wasn't injured or killed in the assassination attempt gave Republicans a boost of giddy adrenaline usually reserved for NASCAR and taking away women's rights.

Oh wait...did I say Dear Leader wasn't injured? My mistake.

Although neither the FBI nor the Secret Service will confirm that Hair Hitler was hit by a bullet, Trump did somehow get his ear pierced during the shooting, which would never have happened if he’d been in court where he belongs.

He arrived at the convention with an awkwardly placed white bandage on the side of his head, looking for all the world like the toddler who got into a box of mom's panty liners and walked into the party with one stuck upside the ol' noggin.

Each night of the convention SO much was made of his wound and gallant recovery that it started to float a crucifixion/resurrection vibe —- and that, in a nutshell, illustrates everything ill with the Republican Party at this moment.

Yet, as I said, these folks were partying like Clarence Thomas on a borrowed yacht. The combination of Trump’s survival and the Dems currently falling apart like a badly built sandcastle jacked convention-goers into overdrive.

Some of them even tried to dance.

Yep.

When Kid Rock "performed" his "song" American Bad Ass on the last night of the RNC, the camera operators, either out of sheer ignorance (or maybe they're voting for Biden) panned an audience of the whitest folks you'll see this year randomly jerking like cats about to gack up a hairball.

I don’t think they boogie much at home.

Trump's VP pick, JD Vance, burst out of his Appalachian cage waving his Yale law degree and was gleefully paraded up and down the hall like a prized talking goat. So seldom are intellectuals seen in the aisles of MAGA mart that the pale masses properly stared, unblinking, not believing their luck.

Vance, eyes sunk deep in his face fat, grinned like the kid who once wanted to be prom queen of Possum High but instead found himself courted by Donald Trump out by the dumpster.

Mike Pence was not available for comment.

In fact, Mike Pence was not there. A number of Republican senators and congress-folks didn't attend either.

There were three nights of speeches, plus hours of flag shagging where the usual suspects shouted slogans for cheers. Hulk Hogan spoke but, sadly, didn’t body-slam anyone. There was also a bizarre uprising where attendees started taping feminine care products to their heads in solidarity with Donald's bandage.

Let us be clear. These folks are not a cult.

Trump took the stage after being introduced by mega-donor and close friend Dana White, the macho, multi-millionaire head of Ultimate Fighting Championship.

White was captured on video last year slapping his wife in a nightclub. No punishment was offered. I'm supposing he was given the prime RNC spot to speak and introduce the former president because Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable.

Trump, sporting a fresh white woven Post-It note on his ear, made his way to the podium to huge applause. Waves of adoration flowed from the audience.

He hadn't spoken in public since the rally shooting, a ploy from his handlers to boost interest in his RNC speech from non-cult I mean regular audiences. It worked. Viewership was the largest ever for an RNC acceptance speech by any candidate.

Trump spoke for an hour and 32 minutes.

AN HOUR AND 32 MINUTES.

I dozed off about half an hour into his speech and woke up later to see him still talking, which alarmed me. Was this Groundhog Day? Please don't let it be Groundhog Day.

Trump/Vance is off and running y’all, with a great wind at their back. At this point, the polls indicate the race is theirs to lose. But presidential politics is an uneven road and many an unceremonious crash has happened for popular candidates between summer and early November.

The Democratic National Convention is next.

Hope we have better acts than Kid Rock.