Howdy Horn Honkers!
At 2 a.m. one night, I was lying in bed, freshly washed, wide awake, when a thought burst into my head: “You know what we need? A groovy, madcap film starring Jesus.”
Stay with me. Don’t you leave.
Yeah, I know…nothing quite like representing Jesus in media to get some people upset with you.
Woo boy, it’s a touchy — but not feely — subject.
The gentle faithful will look at you questioningly and worry for your soul. Their Lord is kinda off limits for entertainment purposes. If you get too whimsical with the tale, the evangelicals clutch their collective pearls, insisting you are blasphemous -- an infidel even -- and you’re going straight to hell.
Personally, I think being bigoted and hating people who don’t worship, look, or love like you is hell-worthy, but what do I know? I’m a lover, not a biter.
Holy hypocrisy is of no interest to me.
Yet, the invective is not much better from atheists.
Some roll their eyes and comment with disdain that the gullible masses are deeply involved with this made-up character AGAIN, and aren’t those silly folks absorbed with a story that never even happened.
Y’all. People do it with Star Trek all the time. Don’t be a snob.
Be a lover not a wanker.
There’s much representation of the Prince of Peace in film and TV and it’s too often a grueling journey (“Passion of the Christ”) or the what-the-hell-am-I-watching Christian Right dreck where white Jesus ministers to brown sinners in a vaguely Middle Eastern locale that is probably Arizona.
Thus, a public service would be, I believe, a smile-a-while film about the Christ.
Work with me.
This middle-of-the-night movie in my head is called “Jesus in America.” It’s not a looking-back-at Jesus and his short life and difficult death, but a here-he-comes Jesus who returns to earth, as the faithful have said — lo, these many years — that he would.
And he lands in Manhattan. It’s not complicated.
SCENE: Jesus walking down the streets of New York City in a robe and sandals. It’s a balmy New York spring day. As he waits at a light to cross the street a guy leans his head out of a taxi.
“Hey! You look like Jesus!”
“I am,” Jesus replies (just like in the Bible).
“What ya doing in New York?”
“Well, I just got back. I’m here to heal the world.”
“Sure buddy.” The guy hands him two dollars.
Jesus looks at the money.
“But I don’t need this. I have all the riches of my father’s kingdom.”
“You sure don’t look like a trust fund kid!” the guy laughs as he drives away, “Byeeeee Jesus!”
J walks on and barely earns a glance from busy people on the street. Jesus eventually stops and hands the two dollars to a homeless man on a corner.
The man looks up.
“Hey you look like Jesus,” he croaks.
“I am,” says Jesus.
“And you only have two bucks?”
“Well, I have all the riches of my father’s kingdom, but yes, in earth money I only have two bucks.”
“Well, thanks then,” the man says, “You know, I used to believe in you.”
“You can believe in me again,” Jesus suggests gently.
“Naw, I don’t think so,” the man decides.
“Suit yourself,” Jesus replies, “Love ya anyway.” He starts down the street, humming a Cat Stevens song.
THIS IS THE GROOVY GOSPEL WE NEED.
When Jesus finds he can’t get on the subway because he has no cash or credit, he panhandles outside the station.
“Money for the Lord?” he asks passersby, “Spare change for the Son of God?”
In less than five minutes he has $18 from taking photos with tourists, one from Ohio who made rabbit ears behind his head.
On the train, as on the streets, no one seems to notice him. After all, this is NYC, and the guy sitting next to Jesus is dressed like a Christmas tree, the irony of which is not lost on the subway-riding savior.
He gets off at South Ferry and gazes at the Statue of Liberty in wonder.
“The French are really good at this kind of thing,” he decides, pleased.
Then (because he’s Jesus) he teleports to Washington DC, where he finds himself in ungodly traffic.
Eventually, he makes his way to the Capitol grounds and is stopped by guards.
“Step back, sir,” a hulking man in uniform says. “You can’t go beyond here without credentials.”
“I am Jesus of Nazareth,” he answers, “The son of God, the light of the world and I am here to see the leaders of your country except Matt Gaetz. Not even Job has enough patience for that guy.”
“Sorry bud. You’re not on the list. No pass, no entry.”
Jesus thinks about this for a second.
“What if I do a magic trick?” he asks. The officers exchange glances and the taller one places a hand on his service weapon.
When they look back, Jesus is gone.
He’s wandering through the Capitol Rotunda admiring the paintings when he encounters a congressional aide.
“Uh, sir,” the aide says, somewhat alarmed, “Are you…supposed to be here?”
“Not really,” Jesus replies, “Because church and state are separate in your country, which is a noble thing. I’ll see myself out.”
And he does.
THIS IS THE CONSTITUTIONAL JESUS WE NEED.
As he stands on the White House lawn, he suddenly remembers a Paul Simon song.
Jesus is a solid fan of Paul Simon, a fellow Jew, and on super festive occasions has been known to tell his followers they can call him “Al.” One of his best friends in heaven, his brother James, calls him “Al-Mighty” which Jesus thinks is hilarious because it is.
He suddenly decides to go to Graceland because Paul Simon wrote a song about it.
While standing on Elvis Presley Blvd. he spots a parked car with a Georgia license tag, a bunch of numbers, and written above, “In God We Trust.”
“Oh what a relief,” Jesus thinks and approaches the car, but the people roll up the window and pointedly ignore him. He taps on the glass. The couple inside pretends he’s not there. Finally, the man rolls down the window and asks angrily “What do you want dude?”
“I just wanted to know how your day was going,” Jesus says quietly.
“What? Fine.” The man rolls up the window.
Jesus taps on the glass again.
The woman leans across her husband and rolls down the window, hands Jesus a $5 bill, and rolls the window back up.
Money again. Since he had no pocket, Jesus tucked the bill into the side of his sandal and made his way up the driveway to Graceland.
He notices people everywhere, of all ages and sizes, from all the countries of the world.
Jesus walks up to a man taking photos.
“Why are all these people here?” he asks.
“Elvis.” The man replies, giving him an odd look.
“Elvis?” Jesus asks.
“Elvis Presley!” the man exclaimed. “We’re here to honor the King!”
Jesus raises an eyebrow.
“Ohhh-kay. Where can I find him?’ Jesus asks.
“He’s dead,” the man says before leaning in closer and adding, “They SAY.”
“Well, I was too, but look at me now!” Jesus chuckles. He never gets to tell that joke.
The man laughs a little uncomfortably before staring at him harder.
“You know you look like…”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, “ Jesus says.
“Are you doing a thing?” the man asks.
“A…thing?” Jesus asks back.
“You know, like a church thing,“ the man explains. “Are you dressed like *gestures at all of Jesus* because you’re doing a church thing?”
“Oh.” Jesus nods in understanding, “No, I just came back and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on down here and how I can help.”
The man nods. “Cool.”
He fumbles in his pockets before Jesus stops him and says “No, no, I don’t need money, I have all the riches of my father’s—“
“I was just gonna offer you a cigarette.” the man says.
“I don’t smoke,” Jesus says. “But I drink. Do you have a drink?”
“Aw no,” the man laughs.
“Well you do now!” Jesus exclaims as a full wine glass appears in both their hands.
The man yelps, drops his glass, and runs away.
“That is so Suspicious Minds of you,” Jesus murmurs as he takes a sip and watches the tourists, waving at the occasional one who stares.
“I was led to believe we all would be received at Graceland,” he muses to himself.
After enjoying the Jungle Room, Jesus walks through Memphis where the streets are dirty but the mood is fine. He eventually stops in a park to admire the spring blooms. A stray dog approaches him.
“Hey there,” Jesus says, as the dog shoves his snout into his hand.
“Hi Jesus,” the dog says, “Do you have any food?”
“Sure.” Jesus materializes a burger and a bowl of fresh water.
When the dog is finished, he says “Thanks, Jesus. I wish everyone was as nice as you.”
“They are,” Jesus said, “But your society doesn’t reward it. People let the world change them for the worse instead of them changing the world for the better.”
Jesus remembers the $5 from the couple in the car and says to the dog, “I have five dollars. Do you want it?”
“I don’t need money,” replies the dog.
“I don’t either,” says Jesus as they stroll through the park together.
WHAT IS BETTER THAN JESUS AND A TALKING DOG.
Basically my film is about Big J on a walkabout in the U.S. and how everyone reacts to him.
All the animals can talk because the Good Shepherd knows how to listen to them.
Since this is America, Jesus will be played by Tom Hanks.
However, if the people demand Samuel L. Jackson, okay then. Let’s go.
Look, I don’t know what y’all do at 2 in the a.m., but apparently, I think about Jesus and show biz.
Peace out.
“Jesus and Elvis Go Camping” by Jerry Lee Kirk..
Therra I love your Jesus story concept.
Let’s carry on and who knows what could be added to the Jesus story...
So delightful!