Erections Have Consequences

Masturbation for men in Mississippi could get expensive, according to new proposed bill.

Regarding erections in the state of Mississippi. Of which there are plenty.

Y'all know how much I adore the American South. On occasion it makes me proud. Today is one of those days.

Senator Bradford Blackmon, a young (editorial note: and good-looking) lawmaker in the Magnolia State introduced a bill this week aimed at banning men from masturbation or other sexual acts if they have "no intent to fertilize an embryo."

The "Contraception Begins at Erection Act," would make it unlawful for y'all gentlemen to shake hands with Mr. Winky if you're not planning to increase the population of the fine, conflicted state of Mississippi.

I laughed so hard at the cleverness of Sen. Blackmon's pointed attempt to introduce men to the restrictive legality of forced reproduction and lack of access to contraception that women are facing in that state and others.

Please be aware in this bill there are fines involved if you are charged with windsurfing on Mount Baldy. It'll cost you $1,000 for the first offense and $5000 for the next time you scratch Yoda behind the ears.

If you absolutely insist on Celebrating Palm Sunday, a third offense is $10,000.

The clever Senator Blackmon is a Democrat (yes, we have them in Mississippi) and knows this bill is unlikely to pass the GOP-led Legislature, but if it did and was signed into law by Gov. Tate Reeves, a Republican, it would go into effect in July.

I am howling. And applauding.